If this is the happiest time of year, why am I crying?

Yesterday was December 1, the usher of Christmas.... thoughtfully chosen wrapped gifts, twinkling lights strung on top of the many half lit strands from years past , family visits between the flu, meaningful Church services and the quest to make the killer Christmas card! I realized as I scribbled it on a patient's chart at work at 9am, 12-1-11....the middle of the holidays...I'm not ready. What did I do for Thanksgiving? Was it enough? I have no card and free shipping ends tonight! As the morning wore on, I recognized my heart spiraling. Patients were coming and going, canceling and arriving without appointments. Coworkers rushing and tossing out ideas, requests, party plans and needs for our new year began to sound like Charlie Browns teacher....waah waaah waaah... Text from a daughter she had no lunch money. Call from my son in the Navy he's not sure if he can get off to come home.

"I'm not capable... I can't do it. I'm in the middle of a life I can't do."

Lunch time promised a chance for me to run. I found myself driving to my Mom and Dad Schmidt's house in tears. Mom met me at the door with a hug offering lunch. Dad asked if there was trouble at work? "no" trouble at home? "no" I curled up on the familiar daybed, pulled the blinds and Mom tucked a blanket around my legs then quietly shut the office door. I set the alarm on my iphone and cried fresh tears for what was going on in my cozy getaway as I heard Dad coughing from complications of liver failure..

"Im not ok with this either! I'm in the middle of loving living close to our parents and grieving Dad's illness that is robbing our time."

The quick nap escape helped me gather myself enough to thank Steve's parents and I tootled to the car assuring them I was fine..

"I am not fine!" "I'm in the middle of a meltdown and I have to go back to work. A meltdown where I can't even identify the major charactors."

I crank the radio and hear " it is the happiest time of the year...most wonderful season of all" o as I pull away. I ask the empty passenger seat, "then why am I crying?."

I need to put this hot mess on hold bc it is the MIDDLE of my work day....

I drag in after work and tell my husband that I think I need to cry. He replies like an amazing guy should with , " you just need a good cry? I bet you will feel better. Need anything?"

What am I feeling?

sad....hence the tears!

lacking, insufficient,...as a nurse, woman, wife, mom, daughter, friend, party planner, present giver, child of God.

longing....for more.Identifying the word longing encourages a new trickle of tears. Now if I could just clarify what I long for!

. to close the deal, for completion, to see the presents under the tree, to sit down to a beautiful healthy meal each night with the family, to bottle the magic cure for heartaches and weight gain, to force the changes in myself and others, to fulfill my purpose...... MORE!

more of what?

What are the facts?

I am married to a 48 year old hottie, and 25 years in discovering some of his greatest traits!

I have 4 children in the United States , who are growing and maturing however beautiful or painful that may appear depending on the day! and 1 in heaven who has already become EVERYTHING that God desired and purposed in him.( mmm, I may have just felt a twinge of jealousy)

My home is warm, cozy to me ( some might describe as messy) , filled with love, lots of teenage estrogen flare ups, occasional sassing and a pork roast in the crock pot.

I have a sweet job which never ceases to amaze me. I adore the clients and coworkers, but wellness clinic ...really? I'm no barbie and my favorite food is little debbie swiss cake rolls. I care more about whether their heart is well rather than how well they fit into their clothes.

I write in a thankfulness journal every day.

My friendships are deep, authentic and treasured and some are painful and shallow and broken.

I fit in my size 10 and 12 jeans most of the time. What would I look and feel like in a 4?

I long for more....just like the first woman, Eve and every woman and man since Eve.

.

What is the truth?

Phillipians 1:6 says

There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears. The satisfying, hope giving, thirst quenching words straight from the Father of Truth.

God brought Nick ( 42 days old ) and Aunt Linda's ( 69 years old ) work in this world to a flourishing finish. They are at complete peace and rest knowing they are where they should be.

A long coffee talk with my bff this afternoon solidified my longings.....the same ones I always have.

I long for perfection. for satisfaction. for eternal beauty..for the puzzle pieces to fit.for us to figure it out. for the world to acknowlege the real Creator and power of the universe. for pain to disappear, tears to evaporate, families to reconcile. for sick to be well, for good to win, dead to live again. for our purposes fulfilled, contentment realized, ugliness to melt and for Nick to be in our Christmas card picture this year. For Aunt Linda to show up at their family gathering with gifts and smiles for her precious grandchildren.

I am in the the middle and that is ok!!! In fact that is where I will be until I am laid down with a fork in my hand and treatbags in a cute basket by my coffin.

God who started this great work in you would keep at it..

In the middle of my journey with Christ and this world.This reminds me where I am....He has started, I am in the middle and He is doing the work.... He also promises to finish... and later on in the chapter reminds me of what I'm to be doing.

your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God.

So, while I am in the middle.....

Iam capable through Him to not only love much, but well!

love appropriately.sincerely and intelligently.

live a lover's life... watchful and discreet, worthy of imitation.

Sounds completely doable....

I love love... I learned it from the Master. He placed it in my DNA long before I was born.

I feel calm being in the middle.

I feel rest tonight letting the Author write the story and do the work,

while I trust in His words and love.

It is the happiest time of year. In the middle of crazy and chaos, we celebrate Truth and Love came to earth as a sweet baby.

...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DveYBno-pmQ Somewhere in the Middle by Casting Crowns... ENJOY!

Done? Something God never is.

I went to bed early last night because I was "done" with the day. There was nothing particularly terrible about the past 24 hours in fact much of it was enjoyable and entertaining, I just couldnt stand myself any longer so checked in early. Watched survivor with our kids while delighting in the ease and yumminess of chinese takeout. ( Dont start about them swimming in their undies or me not cooking again)

As I shivered in the coolness of the brand new fall weather, I contemplated turning the heater on for a moment. I wanted the chill out of the air while I was getting ready for bed, but then the ac and the fan on once I got in the covers so I could snuggle. Some of you are nodding in total agreement and some of you, like my husband, are shaking your head AND rolling your eyes. As we both readjust the thermostat at least 51 x a day, I am thinking "I am so done with you not letting me be in control of the joy in the room via the temperature of the room." I think he considers more the online bill that relentlessly pops up monthly and is ranking affordability above joy.

Anyway all of this " done " talk reminded me of an email I was attempting to send the other day(which means in the past year). I sent it and then 3 days later I received a notice that stated, " We have attempted to send this but.............. something something with the server blah blah blah blah......"and we are done trying." I spoke audibly to the computer, of which I dont consider myself a friend, "Really? I will be the one telling you when you are done trying",and I promptly resent it.

I checked my email early in the am on the the 3rd day after the resend and there it was waiting for me again...the "we are done trying" note. I uttered, "huh, if you cant figure it out you just quit trying. interesting."

It has bugged me since I read it and I'm finally able to reconcile it with something else that washes over my brain often...

2 Cor 4.8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don't give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going.

God whispering to me..." You may resend your moaning and complaining and requests for more and better and different to me everyday.. all under the guise of prayer even, You may be unhappy with the hot stress you are under or feel I am turning a cold shoulder to you but...... I WILL NEVER BE DONE with you!"

Wow. What an example. of me to be to my husband, my kids, my job, my family and friends, my life.

I get to rest each evening when I feel done, in the arms of the MOST HIGH .....Who is never done!