"I'm not impressed"

Woke up slowly this am and sipped a java while curled up on the couch with Julia..... and Sponge Bob screaming about his latest underwater chaos. . Needed a red cozy blanky wrapped around me because the leather is cold. The rest of the kids were busy somewhere.... hiding , I think so I wouldn't start with my usual, "ok....what do we need to get done today? " rant.

My Julia knows my 5 minute tolerance for sponge bob and the gang and finds Joyce Meyer on the DVR and asks if I want to watch one..... I do and she silently slips off to join the "hiding children." Joyce was talking about depression and her experience with it. I can't believe how my body responds when I hear about this topic. Today, my heart gets a little tight, I look around to check if anyone sees that I am interested in it, (Rascal our Schnauzer....is busy in the corner licking his toochy from infected anal glands, no worries there.) I flush a bit ( don't know if it's from invading Rascal's privacy or the depression issue) then grab the remote to turn it up. She covers it being a medical issue, emotional issue, spiritual blah blah blah......and responds to a viewers question of "Is depression a sin?" She says, "no , but it can turn into that." I turn it up higher.

Joyce talks about her reaction to minor and major occasions during her life when she wants to have a little fit.......when something happens that irritates, bothers or makes her a bit fussy. She responds with , "I'm not impressed. If I'm not impressed, I can't get oppressed and then I can't get depressed." Thought it was a little Jesse Jacksonish...but a great point. I'm also not alluding to the deep dark, cavernous , spiral into hell bouts of depression....just talking about those irritating moments. Visuals come of when I break the mayo jar on the tile floor, I drive all the way out to Catoosa to give flu shots and have no needles, or my kid throws a fit in front of my "friend" who is constantly judging my parenting.... Can I just say, "I am not impressed with this bit of irritation," and move on? I visit with myself about it and agree that I am pretty good at this skill already.

During the crazy beautiful lightening and thunder this am, my neighbor and I make a run to Sam's. We grab a couple last minute gifts on the way to the pork loins. My dtr, Lexi chats with my husband on my cell, we all laugh and I touch a lot of the robes as I walk by.....cant help it. Anyway....somewhere between the fudge samples and the Britney perfume.....we realize my phone is gone. We retrace our steps, dig through sweater piles, raincoats for kids, pork loins and my purse over and over. It has vanished.

We load the car and I am bummed. On the drive home, my neighbor agrees it was sheer magic....here then disappeared. I run through the rain to my front door and feel the weight of having to tell my husband I have lost my phone again....second time in 2 months.( although does it count if I ended up finding it the first time?) I go right to the couch and start hearing myself tell my other self, "you are such a loser....wow....worse than all of your kids put together on the losing stuff......if you could just hang on to something once in awhile...what good are you in anything if you cant keep a silly phone? if you would just pay attention to what you are doing.....on and on...

.suddenly from the turned off tv, I hear Joyce saying...."hellooooo..... I am not impressed.'" I think......"hmmmm, neither am I ." The loser voices stop... I am a daughter of the King who is fully loved, complete in Him and made with God's fingerprints all over me, I am impressed with Him, not with this. I giggle as I realized I had missed it for 2 hours!

1 1/2 hours later, Lexi yells, "Mom, Sam's called, they found your phone!"

I am learning over and over to guard my heart and my thoughts , for from it springs everything!!!

and from the heart, the mouth speaks.

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.

Watch your words, for they become actions.

Watch your actions, for they become habits.

Watch your habits, for they become character.

Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.” -unknown

Proverbs 3:11

My child, don't ignore it when the Lord disciplines you and don't be discouraged when he corrects you. For the Lord corrects those he loves just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.

Thanks for loving me!!!!

the bid

A bit of background.....I was invited to a function by my friend and former neighbor, Angie....aprox 2 wks ago. She said," it is fundraiser at the Radisson, for dinner , 2 fridays from now, I'll let you know the time." Sweet, we can eat a colorful meal with prob 2 meats and a great dessert with a cherry on it. And we can catch up on life while watching whatever happens at the fundraiser. I don't hear from her again for 10 days... because that's how we roll.

Now, it's that particular Friday and I just fed thekiddos and havent heard from Angie, nor have I called . Although I would love to visit and hang out , I'm tired and would rather stay home in my jammies. As I'm settling into spending a quiet eve at home with the fam, she texts " it starts at 7... directions to follow" It is now 6:26.

I bonsaii around and throw on a little bohemian outfit with leggings and boots and jazz my hair up a little. Not planning on knowing a soul or even considering my dress again.

The tables inside are decorated black and white with chandeliers elegantly placed....stunning...and the program is something like "puttin on the glitz". Adorable, I'm a theme girl. They rocked it. I missed the memo...kind of like the old show Green Acres..but backwards. But, no biggie. We joined the silent auction lines of black and white and sparkly and shiny and updos and froofy and had fun trying to "win" a basket.

Boho/farm girl and 6 foot 1 beauty Angie weave our way through the glitz and glamour to find our places. Looking for our table in the back, we surprisingly find we are at the head table. Groovy, right in the action. Dinner starts, chicken and steak.....delish. cute dessert. We sit down, meet and eat. Fun night out, I am delivered a receipt for $35.00 that says I "won" a silent auction basket, so in my mind, the night is drawing to a close.

Oh, but then the auctioneer gets up with his 2 or 3 "auctioneer boy/ cheerleaders in cowboy hats " Looks fun. I hear the first few things going for $200, $400, $5000! whew , out of my budget tonight, but entertaining. Well, then some girls start "winning" things at my table.. My blood starts making waves in my heart. I am seriously loving the action , the nods, the timing , the pace.I think clearly, " I realize I cannot win one of these prizes, but I want to play."

The next item for bid is the Dinner with the Firemen for 6. Perfect....don't know how much it will go for, but doesn't matter to me.....I just want to play. I will only bid once. I tell the table , "I'm going to play, woo hoo" They all smile. The crazy fun auctioneer who has me in a tizzy screams, "Dinner with the firemen.......let's start at $1000." I'm front row and center, so he doesn't miss me, "YEAH RIGHT HERE!!!!!!" Oooh, it was invigorating, brave, daring and naughty....because my husband would've had a fit. So, I sit back just glad to have had a chance to join in on the action. I'm satisfied and can go home now. I'm beginning to note no one has bid higher than $1000 and as I scan the room no one appears to be considering it. The rockin auctioneer is doing his best to heyyyyy bidddddeeeeerrrrrr bidderrrr da da da dabuump bupmmpp whaddddddya say $1100? No one is biting and he starts looking at me. I literally lay my head in my friend's lap and start sweating from everywhere. I look up and he's still looking at me. I am in the midst of a sheer panic now, a fight or flight moment where all my blood has shunted to my vital organs. I don't have an available 1 grand to buy dinner with a hero. The only 1 grand I am even aware of is our Baby step 1 Emergency Fund in our new Dave Ramsey Financial Peace Plan. I seriously consider for a moment if this is indeed an emergency. I look at Angie and scream ,"Oh, my gosh, I have to take it back..Steve will kill me." Not sure, but I think she's giggling. Everything seems blurry but in the frenzy, I make eye contact with the auctioneer and weakly proclaim, "I have to take it back." Two blonds all sassed up are saying, "booo, booo, you can't take it back." I hear the voice of pardon as the auctioneer says, "Hey , she wants everyone to get a chance at it" as he starts the bidding again at $100...

My heart started palpitating again as I told my sister the story the next day. She, in the most pitiful voice, asked, "Was there an intermission so you could slink out of there? Weren't you so embarrassed?" I can honestly say, I did not feel shame or embarrassment ( I know you are thinking......"well, you should have"). I felt extreme gratefulness and awe in being pardoned so kindly without ridicule. I didn't follow the rules, I could've been held to the bid.

In the past couple years when I am late, or fail to do exactly what was asked, or do it differently than what was expected......and am NOT punished in some way with biting words or silence......I sit back and am nearly speechless. I expect to be figuratively spanked and receive the pounding I deserve.

This most recent ' bid event' has again punctuated that theme of grace swirling about.

What act have you committed worthy of punishment?

What is keeping you from receiving the grace and mercy God so freely gives. I know you don't deserve it, you never will. That is the beauty and the miracle of it all.

Grace is undeserved favor. ..mercy when we don't expect or deserve it. Can't be earned or bought. It is huge and it is tiny. It can cover the mountain ranges or a ladybug. I have the ability to acquire it from the Master, the Author of grace. I am expected to grow in grace as Phil 1: 6 states, "And I am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ returns."

I shall not sit graceless....... and though I usually can't be described as graceful, I want to be gracefilled.

The auctioneer was my judge and erased my impulsive bid . God is my Judge . He has erased my sin nature when I trusted in him. His divine power has given me everything I need for life and godliness.( 2Peter 1:3)

My unfinished business is to find the auctioneer and promise him my next child, or at least dress up like a fireman and take him to dinner.

from the mouths of babes

As my 9 yr old daughter, Julia and my 6 yr old goddaughter, Tatum finished playing the silly game ,Mother May I? , they sat on the floor rehashing the game.

"Julia....I like the alligator steps best."

"Yeah, and the snake slide forward. I hate the elephant steps backward... and the baby steps...I would've beat you if it wasn't for those."

They begged to play one more game, but I started scooting them off to bed.

Tatum looked at me out of the corner of her eye, then back to my daughter and whispered loudly " Julia....your mom is weird...but FABULOUS!."

This statement has spent the last 2 years flying around in my head, attacking old ideas, giving birth to new ones, requiring me to define weird.. and fabulous. God lifts my chin and as I gaze into His face I want to be obedient to start writing what He has given me to think about. So, have fun with me on the journey as I struggle to unearth what He wants to show me....us.